| Hey all! Happy Lent!!! Someone once said that is like saying happy misery, but I disagree. Lent is about bettering yourself in dramatic ways spiritually, mentally, and physically. What could be better than that? ...however, I must admit there are times I feel like optimism is just a dream of what I wish things could be like and the reality is anything but happy. Good thing there aren't many of those times. hehe... I know there are many reasons why optimism seems ignorant, but I still choose to believe that nothing is worth losing all hope and happiness over. So, why did I hop on xanga today....flashback to my rhetorical question habit back in SH debate. Three of my four years in college have seen the death of three loved ones. I have had different reactions to each of these deaths, an argument to support that there is no standard grieving process. I have felt and thought different things. Early in my sophomore year of college I felt sad, very sad for the soul of my cousin because I think she was troubled when she died. However, I accepted it and felt that maybe she is happier now. I felt very sad that I did not know her better. I only saw her a few times during my life. Then there was the reaction to Mr. Moore...too dramatic for me to mention here without writing an entire book. Now there is my aunt, also someone who had it hard ( however, I guess that could be said about all of us to some degree) and she was someone I did not see as often as I could. I hope one day transportation to different states and different countries is infinitely easier, faster, and cheaper than it is now so that maybe travel and distance will not be an excuse. Anyways, I have very fond memories of my Aunt from when I was little, up to high school. She always came over at least once a year and took my sister and I out for an unforgettable day of pure, wholesome spoiling. Unfortunately, as I got older, we saw less and less of her. I went to visit her home only once, I am already starting to regret that, and I am sure I will more and more as her passing sinks in. A small part of me still feels like I can pick up the phone and call her. I am very sad to think she is gone, yet I am even more sad to think I didn't see her enough when she was well. Her health slowly passed from her as I passed into young adulthood and into the craziness of college. I feel like there really wasn't much for me to do. Business is a state of mind. This culture is obsessed with the idea of the individual being to busy for the group. Other cultures aren't like this, and they have just as much individual responsibility as we do, they just don't use it as an excuse. Now I just feel angry. I feel angry for every time I was too busy or lazy to do something with someone, and I feel angry for every time I've felt someone was too busy for me. In the end though, there are no answers here for me to find. I feel sad, but it is not the same kind of sad I've felt before. It never is. People can ponder mysteries such as death for only so long before going completely mad. That is why I try not to do it for very long and just leave it up to God. God knows whats going on, and I'm not Him so I don't have to worry about it. I shouldn't want to worry about it. It does suck though and sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling to scream that its not fair. But, I just have to be optimistic and faithful and realize its not my problem to worry about. All I have to do is pray that their souls are at peace. ok, kind of a lot for the internet but I feel better and everyone just reads myspace anyways. ok, I will be calling you guys later. much love (= |
